Science

Throughout grad school I have tossed around the idea of leaving science. Many of you have had these talks with me. I have been bored and unfufilled. I have always been a curious person, but something in science wasn't doing it for me. Instead, I have wanted to do everything from cooking, making furniture, writing manifestos, to opening a museum -- much to the chagrin of my father. Gary (my grad school advisor) has always been sad that I wasn't going to stay in science and be a professor like he wanted. I think me getting married was hard on him, because he thought I'd leave forever and do something else after a brief postdoc... which I still may do, who knows.

I get bored of the long hours for no reward. I get bored of being forced to be in the lab because the boss is watching. I love the big discoveries (who wouldn't), but they are few and far between to count on them to keep you interested. It stinks to go through the daily grind for 4 months and realize at the end that something should have been different. Nothing stinks more than 'what if'.

Is it just the topic? I worked on estrogen and the brain for 3 years as an undergrad.. 5 in grad school and here I am starting a new postdoc. What am I doing... estrogen and the brain. crap. you'd think I would have learned by now.

But something's different. I don't know how to do any of these techniques and I have the enthusiasm of an undergrad again. Only now I can ask 'why' without people thinking I'm a complete dumbass. I'm actually enjoying this. Maybe it's because it's new. Or, maybe it's because I'm doing molecular techniques where you can get your little answers of "did it work" in two-three days rather than 2-3 months. I'm 2 weeks into work and am on page 72 in my lab notebook, not to mention my pages of lab manifestos on my computer. I got up at 7:30 today to go to work. I left after 6 last night. Not because anybody's watching what I'm doing, but because I want to be here. I like the autonomy of being a postdoc. I like picking my own project without getting hassled every day about why I want to do something. Just let me work on it and I'll get back to you. Went to the bar this past friday night and actually talked science with a coworker for hours. This is not normal. But I loved it.

I think the biggest case-in-point may be that my cells (which I didn't contaminate after all) weren't ready for treatment today. However, they will be ready for treatment tomorrow followed by harvesting them 20 hours later... meaning I will be working the morning of thanksgiving. What is going on? I have a day off, a new husband who is off and a new house that we can move into that morning, yet I've decided to work. Is this a new beginning?

What has happened to me.

PS that said, I don't by any means want to make it a habit of working on nights and weekends. work time is work time. play time is play time. You need both to stay refreshed.