8 weeks

I'm 8 weeks along now. As far as development goes, the books say my uterus is the size of a grapefruit and the baby is a size of a bean. Theoretically, it has all of its organs now, its heart is beating and has webbed fingers and toes that are futher differentiating this week. Things are going well. I'm still very tired and in bed by 9:30 most nights -- strange for a night owl. I don't have a lot of morning sickness but I am steadily queasy -- usually queasy and hungry at the same time, which is an odd feeling. My rash has cleared up and it was my deodorant (the one that I'd been using for 4 years). I guess body chemistry does change with pregnancy.

So, things are theoretically going well. But there's a lot more going on underneath the calm water. I'm really nervous and anxious. I've known 5 women who have miscarried in the past year alone. 4 of them are good friends of mine and 3 of them miscarried at 8, 9 and 11 weeks. One happened just two weeks ago. I feel for them. Their loss, sadness, frustration. I imagine what it would feel like. By this point, I've become used to being pregnant. Broccoli instead of cocktails in the evening. All of the tiredness. Knowing to avoid the bus and tight spaces because it makes me queasy. But despite all that, I somewhat enjoy the pregnancy and catch myself looking ahead, planning due dates, thinking of the happiness to come. But then, poof. It could be all gone. I would be very sad. I feel for my friends and what they are going through. And it's not like the first trimester is the "happiest of times" when you're feeling like a box of peaches, rainbows and sunshine.

So, here I am at my 8 week mark. I'm nervous. My first doctor's appointment is at the end of next week. Is anything in there? Is it alive? Healthy? I'm hoping they do an ultrasound and check if there's a heartbeat. I've read the chance of miscarriage goes down to 5% once they hear a heartbeat (right now it's at 20%). But despite my hoping, I've heard ultrasounds don't always happen at first appointments. So, even after next week, I may not know any more than I do right now. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and trying to continue to eat healthy and stay upbeat. But honestly, right now, I feel like dead man walking. I'm just going through the motions. Hoping for the best. Preparing for the worst. And I can't even have a drink to calm my nerves.