16 week blahs
I'm 16 weeks pregnant. 4 more weeks until halfway. According to the websites, it's about the size of an avocado right now. The calm before the growing storm, from what I've read.It's an odd feeling. I'm no longer queasy (that stopped at 14 weeks) yet I don't feel any kicking or movement either (that starts in another week or two). So in short, I don't feel pregnant right now. I just feel chubby and unattractive. My belly has started showing a little bit -- just enough for my pants to be tight and to be in that weird "is she fat or pregnant" stage. Plus, I don't have the energy that I used to... I need to take frequent breaks during gardening that I didn't use to need. I'm also a lot slower on my bike. Pathetically slow and passed by senior citizens, but at least I'm riding.
I know this is sacrilege to say, but pregnancy just isn't my favorite thing. I'm really looking forward to the outcome, but the second trimester hasn't been all lavender and cookies like I thought it would be. And the first trimester definitely wasn't either. So far, pregnancy's just been hard. Mentally hard especially, watching my body go away while I can't eat and drink some of my favorite things. Going to happy hour with friends and not getting to partake. Avoiding the delicious creamy scallops at sushi and cultured milk blue cheese that I love so much. Forgoing evening activities because I'm exhausted and in bed by 10 pm. This is not the life I'm used to living. Worst part is, I know I could partake in all of these things. A strong drink, some sushi, a hunk of unpasteurized stinky cheese and a late night would probably all be fine. The baby would probably have a wonderful time (just like I would), but I'm trying my best to follow the guidelines. It's only for 9 months, after all. But it's hard. Harder than I thought.
Plus, I'm not much of a girly girl. I've never been much for shopping and I'm not very stylish. I'm not that over-the-moon pregnant woman with grace and glowing skin. I don't daydream of baby outfits and decorating the nursery. I feel guilty that I'd rather refinish some old piece of furniture covered in lead paint and drink a beer than scrapbook my baby's ultrasound pictures with glitter hearts and bunny stickers.
I have a wonderful, supportive husband, family and friends but I still feel alone in my thoughts. It could just be the hormones, but I just don't feel like myself and I'm having a hard time with pregnancy right now. I'm not a wreck, suicidal or depressed (don't worry), but just don't let anyone tell you that pregnancy is a walk in the park. It's a mental mind ___.
Labels: Pregnancy
posted by Lisa @ 3:12 PM
3 Comments:
Obviously, I have no relevant experience here, and short of a major realignment of my life's plans (and a biological miracle), I never will.
But...as I watch more of my friends and other contemporaries transition into parenthood, it seems to me the happy ones are those that don't drop everything to realign their entire lives around the little ones. Obviously, many things change irrevocably, but it doesn't seem that one needs to step away from everything that made them themselves (and interesting) just because they've become parents.
Though I don't have any data to back this up, I'd be willing to bet that parents remaining as true to themselves as possible is probably really good for the kids, too.
All of this is to say that if you weren't wanting to strip furniture and eat unpasturized cheese, I'd be worried about you.
My best to you and your avocado.
When I read this post and Brian's thoughtful comment I got a little teary-eyed...(and no, don't worry I am not pregnant again ;) because I remember feeling a lot like this.
Beside the week after my due date, this was the hardest part for sure. The worst part is that everyone expects you to be so so happy but the main feeling I had at this point was of being overwhelmed. There was also a lot of disconnect for me between the queasiness and exhaustion and an actual baby down the road. And at 16 weeks it seems like you have FOREVER to go still and how in the world can you feel this crappy and stop doing the things you love for THAT much longer.
Slowly these bad feelings went away. Finding out the baby's sex helped, as did starting to feel less tired and the growing bump and moving baby also helped connect me to my pregnancy and baby.
That being said, having known a lot of pregnant women, I think that the glowing gorgeous over the moon pregnant lady is a fabrication of the entertainment industry. And this is not to depress you but pregnancy IS long and you have every right to complain.
Anyway, hang in there! Once that tiny human smiles at you you will know it's all worth it although I would be a liar if I said I felt that way all the time... :)
And I too have the boy vibe for you..granted my accuracy in predicting sex is right around 50% so don't put too much stock in it. Would love to see your baby bump when you feel like showing it off!
HUGS!!
Many thanks to those who posted here and wrote me separately. I really appreciate your comments and feedback. Many of you said not to worry about what "should be" and that it will all work out. I agree. I feel much better after having vented. Just getting it off my chest helped immensely. This pregnancy volcano can now quiet itself down for a couple more months/weeks/days.
In other news, I think I'm going to attempt to make my own laundry detergent. From the recipes I've seen online, I just need borax, washing soda and bar soap -- which I procured at the store the other day. Plus, Ken is away tonight so it seems like a great opportunity to give it a go (making a couple gallons of nondescript goo in the kitchen is Ken's nightmare). So fingers crossed! Thanks to Kristen for distracting me with this project.
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